Thoughts out loud

In the past few years, I have reserved my love and gave it only to myself, after a long life filled with giving. I used to give to be noticed, accepted, and loved. I was trying to build a home for myself in every heart and every person because I was seeking love & validation. This life approach has made me accept and settle for anything I receive from others, even if I wasn’t happy with what I am receiving. I had big circles around me, very big but empty, as everyone vanished the moment I decided to stop giving. When I was drained and empty, I couldn’t find anyone to fill my cup.

As time passed by, I was guided towards an inner healing journey. To know who I am? To understand my behavior and where it is coming from. What made me this way? What do I want? And how am I going to get it? Since life has revealed itself to me and showed me that nothing comes easy and nothing is ever for free, I am actually grateful that I got to acknowledge this fact at a very young age. It opened my eyes and gave me the opportunity to understand what really matters in life, and work towards it.

I was alone, but never lonely. I had my back every day, and I pushed myself every single day. I was easy on myself. I gave her permission to be and do whatever she needed to do to be happy. I made some sloppy mistakes here and there, but I was also okay with it. I let myself be, and I kept watching her. She was very transparent and told me everything. She has taught me a lot about her. Some days I felt sorry for her, feeling the way she did, but I also gave her permission to feel her feelings without justification or anything. I gave her all my love and support, satisfied all of her needs. We became very self-involved, and we barely noticed what was happening around us. It was magical. I lost all the fake people, I quit my toxic job, I became nothing, but I had the chance to be anything. We discussed financials, lifestyle, health, social life, love life, mental & physical growth. We went on adventures and had so much fun together. Me, myself, & I.

I gave her everything I used to give to others: love, time, money, attention & care. I listened to her carefully and never judged her. I have always assured her that this is her safe space, to be, or say anything. I gave her my all, and God, I am so proud of her.

Maybe she is lucky, maybe I am, but either way, I am so happy that we found each other. To find yourself is to find the deepest, most expensive treasure, a treasure you wanna keep and add to it. We were shining so bright, so people started to see us from afar, without us moving a brick, without us trying, without us begging for approval. Our light wasn’t only attractive, but it had the ability to penetrate through people. It was able to guide us deciding who’s good for us and who isn’t. That broke girl didn’t settle for less again. Therefore, she selected her new circle carefully, tiny, small circle, and once she locked her circle again, she was able to give from all her heart again. She was able to love and share, not because she needs anything in return, but because that’s who she is!