Thoughts out loud

So, how many times do I need to question my beliefs? Every once in a while is okay maybe…

But what if it became more frequent? I just realized that I shake easily whenever it comes to deep beliefs. I find my way back, and as soon as I start to feel comfortable in the answers I receive, I fall again.

Today, I asked myself a question: Am I a believer because I fear not to be? Or am I a believer because I love it?

Do I follow God’s guidance because I am afraid I’d fail if I don’t, or is it because I love Him?

Am I a believer because faith protects me? Or why? Am I a believer because I want to receive, or should it be unconditional?

The weird thing is that I am afraid to answer. I keep saying that I am not ruled by fear, but am I honest?

The truth is, I am afraid to walk in the dark without guidance. The truth is, I want to walk by God’s power and light for guidance, protection, and abundance.

The truth is my belief is conditional.

The truth is my belief is coming out of fear.

The truth is I think I don’t understand what love is.

Acknowledging all this makes me feel heavy and sad. But it is what it is.

I don’t know if this makes sense or how possible for all this to happen while it was only yesterday when I was fully immersed in gratitude and full of life, love, and peace. But it was temporary; maybe it wasn’t real. Or maybe it was real then, but not anymore.

Another question I ask myself: can fear and love coexist in my relationship with God, or is it one path or another?

Answers? None.